Parental Alienation is a difficult subject to discuss it is a relatively new concept in the court and behavioral health eyes although it has been a concern and studied for well over 20 years. It is not easy to prove. The reunification process in these cases is an even more sensitive subject. Many people are afraid to talk about their cases in fear it will make their situation worse or cause further estrangement from their child(ren). There is a ton of information and resources out their about Parental Alienation but there isn’t very much information out there for those who are interested in knowing more about the reunification process and what to expect. So in an attempt to help I will write from experience and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.
Lesson 1: At all cost make sure there is an impartial objective party representing the minor. Let the court pick a Gaurdian Ad Litem for the case. If you are a low income parent there is assistance out there so make sure to inquire about it.
Lesson 2: There is a difference between attorney for the minor child (AMC) and Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) be sure to ask questions.
Lesson 3: Beware of pro bono offers especially by family aquantainces even when they say they will look out for child’s best interest and will not be influenced by either side. It is not always better for the child to talk to someone they know rather than a professional and experienced stranger.
Lesson 4: DO NOT agree to no contact. Let a judge rule instead of agreeing to no contact in family services. A temporary restraining order or protective order has an end date. If you give up contact it does not have an end date and it is difficult to muddle through the court system to reverse.
Lesson 5: Time does not heal all. In some instances it causes more pain and may be irreversible. Especially in an alienation case. So do not allow the alienating parent and their team to bully you into an agreement that may further estranged the child. Instead push for therapy with a LMFT or someone that is well versed in Family dynamics. At all cost make sure this therapist knows they are their to make sure the child has a healthy relationship with BOTH parents. Their job is not to “coach” the child to be ready for termination of parental rights. The child should not be driving the bus of deciding whether to attend counseling, therapy, or visitation. Just like the child does not choose if they want to go to school or not and does not choose to get medical treatment or not.
Lesson 6: Make sure the therapist working on the case is working with BOTH parents to try and help make things better not worse. Children deserve both parents in their life if at all possible. I full heartedly recommend a well qualified doctor be involved in an alienation case. Ask the court for a recommendation.
Lesson 7: Make sure the therapist is an expert or a Doctor and is qualified to help with the situation. If not seek to have them removed the earlier the better.
Lesson 8: Keep detailed records of events, dates, times, correspondence, etc.
Lesson 9: Family service meetings on short calendar days for new motions are not “on the record” so a judge can interpret an agreement completely different than the terms agreed to. Anything said in those meetings are privileged, confidential and non admissible in court. This is why a GAL is so important because nothing is confidential with the GAL and they act as a witness in court where as an AMC and Mediator abide by confidentiality. Make sure orders and plans are very specific. Outline punishments for if a party does not follow order such as, “If visitation/therapy requirements are not adhered to for one month or longer child is assumed truant and the child support goes into escrow until plan adhered to for 1 yr. if the child reaches age of majority before regular visitation happens then parent withholding child forfeits child support held in escrow and all liability of child support is lifted from paying parent.” Contempt, fine, and jail time is a possibility too if visitation is being withheld and parent is not bringing child to said therapy to help reunification efforts.
Lesson 10: Be prepared to have disappointments, ups, downs, and lots and lots of patients. The reunification process is very slow and has a lot of moving parts the most important piece of the reunification process is the best interest of the child.
Lesson 11: Ask for status conferences. Make sure there is a checkpoint to report back any modifications that may need to be made. This helps not keep a bad agreement permanent. Also therapist must provide written reports to the court on a quarterly basis of compliance, progress, and setbacks.
Our journey has been dramatic to say the least and is still pending. Not even close to being a closed case. We are waiting to get out of the Twilight Zone and back to Earth. However, we finally have a qualified unbiased court appointed team looking out for the best interest of the child to hopefully begin the reunification process. We started off with a non ethical AMC and now have a wonderful GAL and we had an unqualified, unprofessional, biased counselor and now have a very well respected Doctor. Our case was so complicated the original judge moved the jurisdiction of it and so far it has taken 13 months and 13 “short calendars/hearings/proceedings/status conferences” to get to step one of the reunification process…
Step 1: Evaluation of the situation and the parties involved to see if it’s possible. Expect 2-6 months on this stage. Don’t rush it and remain calm you want a thorough evaluation.
Step 2: Recommendation if it is possible how do we get there or if it’s not possible what needs to happen instead
Step 3: Implementation begin the process suggested in Step 2.
Step 4: Follow up check in for feedback, progress, and or setbacks.
Each of these steps may have several sub steps and check points which may or may not be in court.
To get here it meant a couple of errors, financial hardships, lots of heartache, lots of waiting, PTO, Short Calendars, baby steps, and removing of unqualified parties that were not looking out for the best interest of the minor child. The court usually does not solve all problems at once. They work on a piece then return to see how that’s working then solve another piece and return to see how that’s going and this cycle continues until all parties are working together cooperatively without the court system’s assistance.
The journey we have been on has been complicated as you can tell from my lessons. Every situation is and will be different. Not all will have the outcome expected and many will be a compromise. In the end you need to have piece of mind that the parties involved wanted what was best for your son/daughter and the outcome is or was what it had to be. There is a reason for everything. Don’t give up hope, prayers, and love. Pray for peace for the alienating parent you will need to co-parent forever bad talking them is not going to help and will make you an alienator too and that is not in the best interest of your child.
envykarma 