The Reunification Process in a Parental Alienation Case

Parental Alienation is a difficult subject to discuss it is a relatively new concept in the court and behavioral health eyes although it has been a concern and studied for well over 20 years. It is not easy to prove. The reunification process in these cases is an even more sensitive subject. Many people are afraid to talk about their cases in fear it will make their situation worse or cause further estrangement from their child(ren). There is a ton of information and resources out their about Parental Alienation but there isn’t very much information out there for those who are interested in knowing more about the reunification process and what to expect. So in an attempt to help I will write from experience and the lessons I’ve learned along the way.

Lesson 1: At all cost make sure there is an impartial objective party representing the minor. Let the court pick a Gaurdian Ad Litem for the case. If you are a low income parent there is assistance out there so make sure to inquire about it.

Lesson 2: There is a difference between attorney for the minor child (AMC) and Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) be sure to ask questions.

Lesson 3: Beware of pro bono offers especially by family aquantainces even when they say they will look out for child’s best interest and will not be influenced by either side. It is not always better for the child to talk to someone they know rather than a professional and experienced stranger.

Lesson 4: DO NOT agree to no contact. Let a judge rule instead of agreeing to no contact in family services. A temporary restraining order or protective order has an end date. If you give up contact it does not have an end date and it is difficult to muddle through the court system to reverse.

Lesson 5: Time does not heal all. In some instances it causes more pain and may be irreversible. Especially in an alienation case. So do not allow the alienating parent and their team to bully you into an agreement that may further estranged the child. Instead push for therapy with a LMFT or someone that is well versed in Family dynamics. At all cost make sure this therapist knows they are their to make sure the child has a healthy relationship with BOTH parents. Their job is not to “coach” the child to be ready for termination of parental rights. The child should not be driving the bus of deciding whether to attend counseling, therapy, or visitation. Just like the child does not choose if they want to go to school or not and does not choose to get medical treatment or not.

Lesson 6: Make sure the therapist working on the case is working with BOTH parents to try and help make things better not worse. Children deserve both parents in their life if at all possible. I full heartedly recommend a well qualified doctor be involved in an alienation case. Ask the court for a recommendation.

Lesson 7: Make sure the therapist is an expert or a Doctor and is qualified to help with the situation. If not seek to have them removed the earlier the better.

Lesson 8: Keep detailed records of events, dates, times, correspondence, etc.

Lesson 9: Family service meetings on short calendar days for new motions are not “on the record” so a judge can interpret an agreement completely different than the terms agreed to. Anything said in those meetings are privileged, confidential and non admissible in court. This is why a GAL is so important because nothing is confidential with the GAL and they act as a witness in court where as an AMC and Mediator abide by confidentiality. Make sure orders and plans are very specific. Outline punishments for if a party does not follow order such as, “If visitation/therapy requirements are not adhered to for one month or longer child is assumed truant and the child support goes into escrow until plan adhered to for 1 yr. if the child reaches age of majority before regular visitation happens then parent withholding child forfeits child support held in escrow and all liability of child support is lifted from paying parent.” Contempt, fine, and jail time is a possibility too if visitation is being withheld and parent is not bringing child to said therapy to help reunification efforts.

Lesson 10: Be prepared to have disappointments, ups, downs, and lots and lots of patients. The reunification process is very slow and has a lot of moving parts the most important piece of the reunification process is the best interest of the child.

Lesson 11: Ask for status conferences. Make sure there is a checkpoint to report back any modifications that may need to be made. This helps not keep a bad agreement permanent. Also therapist must provide written reports to the court on a quarterly basis of compliance, progress, and setbacks.

Our journey has been dramatic to say the least and is still pending. Not even close to being a closed case. We are waiting to get out of the Twilight Zone and back to Earth. However, we finally have a qualified unbiased court appointed team looking out for the best interest of the child to hopefully begin the reunification process. We started off with a non ethical AMC and now have a wonderful GAL and we had an unqualified, unprofessional, biased counselor and now have a very well respected Doctor. Our case was so complicated the original judge moved the jurisdiction of it and so far it has taken 13 months and 13 “short calendars/hearings/proceedings/status conferences” to get to step one of the reunification process…

Step 1: Evaluation of the situation and the parties involved to see if it’s possible. Expect 2-6 months on this stage. Don’t rush it and remain calm you want a thorough evaluation.

Step 2: Recommendation if it is possible how do we get there or if it’s not possible what needs to happen instead

Step 3: Implementation begin the process suggested in Step 2.

Step 4: Follow up check in for feedback, progress, and or setbacks.

Each of these steps may have several sub steps and check points which may or may not be in court.

To get here it meant a couple of errors, financial hardships, lots of heartache, lots of waiting, PTO, Short Calendars, baby steps, and removing of unqualified parties that were not looking out for the best interest of the minor child. The court usually does not solve all problems at once. They work on a piece then return to see how that’s working then solve another piece and return to see how that’s going and this cycle continues until all parties are working together cooperatively without the court system’s assistance.

The journey we have been on has been complicated as you can tell from my lessons. Every situation is and will be different. Not all will have the outcome expected and many will be a compromise. In the end you need to have piece of mind that the parties involved wanted what was best for your son/daughter and the outcome is or was what it had to be. There is a reason for everything. Don’t give up hope, prayers, and love. Pray for peace for the alienating parent you will need to co-parent forever bad talking them is not going to help and will make you an alienator too and that is not in the best interest of your child.

Connecticut (CT) State Tax e-Filing Prices Simplified

Driving you crazy that you can file your federal taxes for free online or even as the H&R Block Commercial says FREE but when you walk in they want to charge you? Or when you get to the end of the online software they want to charge you? Federal may be free but the hook is they may charge a fee for your state tax return. According to the http://www.ct.gov/drs/cwp/view.asp?a=1433&q=265866#FilingfromHome(On-LineFiling) website below are all the approved sites for online filing. I have made life easier by listing the prices from least expensive to most expensive. I will tell you that TaxSimple is not user friendly and has a very out dated and not modern program. It’s one step up from DOS. Hope this helps lovies :*

CT DRS Website https://drsindtax.ct.gov/AUT/SessionTimeout.aspx FREE

TaxSimple if qualify FREE otherwise $24.95+ tax

OnLine Tax $7.95+ tax

Free Tax $9.95+ tax

ezTaxReturn $9.95+ tax

One Price Taxes $9.95-$14.95+ tax

Tax Act $14.95+ tax

Tax Slayer $17.90+ tax

ESmart Tax $19.99+ Tax

1040return.com $24.95+ tax

H&R Block $27.95+ tax

Turbo Tax $27.95+ tax

1040.com $29.95+ tax

Tax Brain $29.95+ tax

Complete Tax $29.95+ tax

Jackson Hewitt $29.95+ tax

eFile 411 $29.95+ tax

All Seasons Tax $29.95+ tax

Taxsoftware State?

THIS IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OR RECOMMENDATION NOR IS IT LEGAL, TAX, OR FINANCIAL ADVISE

Made the Sunday Paper

My family local fame this Halloween!

Winter Storm Alfred

Weather lately has been very crazy.. From Hurricane Irene to Winter Storm Alfred within a couple of months we have been very busy. The state that is usually quite of natural disasters since the flood of 1955 before even my parent’s time is making me feel like the fictional book by Sydney Sheldon “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” may have some truth to it. Most live here during the summer because of the nice weather and leave in November because of the sometimes rough winters. This year the snowbirds got a good taste of what they are missing and us permanent residents fear for a winter worse than last year’s which had storm after storm and record snow piles. This is round two of long term power outages in a state that already pays a lot more than others needing AC in the summer, or oil/gas/electric in the winter for heat. Our taxes are some of the highest and just now today 5 days after the governor called a state of emergency does he announce that he will ask the National Guard to help… We also have a ton of unemployed people many contractors because of the housing slump… Why not set up ready to hire locations and assign these people some work? I wonder how many people have been laid-off from cl-p since 2008 let’s get them some work. Instead (and I am grateful) people from out of sate companies are coming to our aid.

I’d like to point out that the still standing trees by power-lines and houses have been weakened by this storm. Let’s be proactive and think about what happens if we get as much snow as last year or worse ice storms like the year before. Underground power?

People around the world are feeling the effects of mother nature, mudslides, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, volcanos, winter storms, wildfires, where is the safest place to live? How do we prepare for these happenings? Are they more common now or is media just making it seem that way?

Is a generator for your home the next self preservation tactic like an IRA or LTC insurance?

A lot to catch up on

My feeling on the economy you ask? Well, since getting laid off in March of 2009 1 year after buying our first home and finding out shortly after we were pregnant with our second child life has been challenging to say the least. That fall my husband also ended up unemployed. 6 months pregnant the only job I could find was Part-time making less than half the hourly rate I was earning 8 months earlier and half the hours. The position had no stress and was with a great boss at a great company so it would help with the gap on my resume. I was finishing my MBA and had a 2 year old. When the baby was born I took the bare minimum 6 week leave of absence unpaid. Our 3 month emergency fund had been long gone and bill payments fell behind. Now that the baby was born and I had been in the position for a while I was offered full time work which I happily accepted but the pay was still less then half what I made the year before. Daycare was costing me almost my entire check and my husband out of desperation took a sales job as a door to door insurance salesman and was not getting anywhere. So, it was time for me to look for better pay. Which is how I ended up at a large company also in sales and they only took on high net worth clients so I was spending too much to try and make it and I was already behind. My boss at this job was AWFUL and made me physically sick to go to work everyday. Of course I wasn’t able to hit my hurdles so had to find a more permanent well paying job. Which brings me to where I am today. However, I want it to be permanent but was hired because one of the employees is pregnant and very close to her due date and the other is getting married. They have worked together for more than 5 years and we all know how girls are so they don’t like me. Our boss has counted on them for all these years and I am the newbie so am feeling like a temp. I just want to plant my feet in the ground somewhere. I love the work I do and helping people and solving problems. I’m a mom so naturally I want to be home with my kids but can’t afford to so just want to be treated with respect and make enough money to catch up and pay my bills. We are loosing our home face shut off notices and the the other crap many others are facing. I went to college so I could get a good job and my family would never have to worry about lack of heat, electric, food, and housing. Now my student loan debt is killing me, I make less then I was 2 years ago pay 2x as much for daycare and 3x as much for gas and milk… I can’t even say I live check by check. It’s more like check by 3 check or more. I am part of the 99% and it really sucks… I hope that the next President can find a way to bring more jobs, better pay, and some equality. I just want my old normal life back and not have to worry so much.

Waterfalls, rapids, lakes, rivers, and other flooded areas after Hurricane Irene

My videos made it into very respectable waterfall blog! http://www.worldwaterfalldatabase.com/blog/2011/08/29/hurricane-irene-makes-for-spectacular-waterfalls/

Our family Sunday drive took us on a scouting adventure in the Northwest Corner of Connecticut from Farmington to Winsted through Goshen, Kent and Brookfield. What a great way to spend with two young boys! They learned a lot too. Especially my 3 and a half year old, Hunter. We started our travels with the Naugatuck River in Torrington which was pretty impressive class 5 or more rapids. The water levels were up about 8 feet and after 2 hours recessed about 3 feet. Luckily, for safety’s sake Hurricane Irene was downgraded to a Tropical Storm for us and not much damage done in our area. Locally there was some power outages and lots of flooding. The worst I heard that happened locally was some crazies decided to go kayaking and tubing and went missing. This comes as no surprise as the water was flowing more than 20mph and you will see by my photos and video trying to maneuver the water was suicide.

Next destination was the Farmington River which was definitely swollen. This river has a nice walkway so we took a little cruise to a mini damn which normally has a 20 foot waterfall but with the water levels it was only about 4 feet. Taking this walk was like a journey into Thoreau’s Waldon Pond. I even stopped Hunter to teach him a lesson in observing the beauty of what’s around you. Storms like this don’t come around very often and the slight damage that was done made you feel like you were in a Dahli painting. The forest looked like it grew up in the roaring waters and the path was like walking on the tree top canopies in Costa Rica. The ground was a lush intricately woven green carpet of different sized and shaped leaves. Some shagged and bushy little branches and other just random two dimensional leaves. The trees here are exceptionally skinny, skyscraper tall, dark and perfectly straight with no branches until the tops creating a tunnel effect. After our stroll and driving to our next random destination we came to the Collinsville Bridge which had major overflow and flooding and many many people stopping to take pictures. It seemed that as we drove on our Sunday drive that at each stop the area of water got more and more ridiculous.

We drove from here through New Hartford and Satan’s Kingdom to Winsted before heading West through Goshen where the winds started picking up on our way to Kent falls which was magnificent! Hunter said it was like Paradise Falls from the movie Up especially with all the barking dogs. He wanted to look for Bigfoot so we hiked to the top getting soaked by the spray like being on the Maiden of the Mist at Niagara Falls, Canada. The river rose high enough to wash out the covered bridge which was evident by debris some of which stuck on picnic tables and a second walk bridge being destroyed.

Driving down Route 7 to Brookfield we had to take several detours which landed us at Bulls Bridge and although not as tall as Kent Falls equally if not more impressive with the volumes of water and the roaring sounds echoing through the area. I will say seeing all of these powerful bodies of water created by mother nature and natural occurrences does provide a thrill and adrenaline rush. There was so much power and a slight level of danger and risk being so close to it. Our family definitely was having an exciting day. Leaving we were again detoured due to flooding on Route 7 in New Milford.

Federal Road in Brookfield/Danbury also had some closures and surprisingly we were able to get to Route 25 via Grey’s Bridge Rd where we saw major flooding especially at the mulch, gravel, and sand company. Nearby is a cemetery and that was also very flooded lucky not near the burial plots!

This was no flood of 1955 thank god for our modern technology and architectural advances but we still have some repairs to make. I am so glad I got to see the roaring waters of CT in a rare sighting and capture it for all to see and my kids to remember!

Photos and video on facebook, flickr, Foursquare, YouTube, Twitter, and Instagram. Search for envykarma or Michelle Tolmoff

Thanks for reading!

The best of Rome in 8 hours

Ok there isn’t much crime in Rome and is relativity safe but there are pickpockets and purse snatchers EVERYWHERE so beware! they will grab purses while on Scooters too.

My list of to do if I had 8 hours in Rome starting from Termini (the train station):

Take bus or cab to Piazza Venezia (Spend 2 hours):

1.) Victor Emanuel Monument (Il Vittoriano) Get first cafe near here (espresso) you’ll need it!

2.) Roman Forum (Foro Romano)

3.) Collosium (Colloseo)

4.) Circus Maximus (Circo Massimo)

Or optional go shopping on Via Veneto (Note most shops close for afternoon lunch think siesta)

Next Take tram to Trestevere ( spend 1 hour)

This is old historic Rome and the area you picture when you think of colorful buildings and clothes lines. Don’t be alarmed by all the rainbow flags that say Pace (pronounced pa chey) on them it is their symbol for peace. There are universities in this area too. Pizza in Rome in my opinion stinks. Naples has great pizza similar to our NY Style but Rome’s pizza is like on a cracker. However, while strolling this beautiful Neighborhood pick up a snack at:

La Boccaccia (Pizza e Foccacia)- 2 Via di Santa Dorotea http://cibando.posterous.com/when-dining-in-roma-la-boccaccia you can pick from several different pizza and tell them how big of slices you want of them. Make sure to order Suppli while you’re there.

Alternate option for healthy eaters go to L’Insalata Ricca- 8 Via Garibaldi http://www.insalataricca.it/menu.asp

Now, take a cab up to Gianicolo spend 15mins (PHOTO OP!!)

Using same cab have them drop you off at the Vatican Museum on your way though stop for Gelato and Banana with Nutella Crepes (Spend 1 hour and 15 min)

1.) Gelateria I think it is called Old Bridge

The gelateria part of Piazza Risorgimento but on the outside of the square across the wall for the Vatican I think Via Leone IV, it’s next to an Irish pub, so look for Guiness signs.

The Vatican Museum exit is in Saint Peter’s square but the entrance is not. Note buy your tickets in advance to avoid long lines and make sure shoulders and knees covered if you plan on going into S. Pietro’s Basilica! http://biglietteriamusei.vatican.va/musei/tickets/do?action=booking&codiceTipoVisita=26&step=2

Time for another cab or bus ride back to Trestevere but this time to go over the Tiber River via the Ponte Sisto (A pedestrian only bridge) (Spend 1 1/2 hours on walking tour)

1.) Campo di Fiore

2.) Piazza Novona

3.) Piazza della Rotonda

Almost done with the day 😦 last cab before the end of your 8 hour Roma trip take a cab to the Spanish Steps (Spend 2 hours on this walking tour)

1.) Spanish Steps

2.) Piazza Del Popolo

3.) Pincho Villa Borgehese (Great Sunset photo op!)

4.) Trevi Fountain

There is sooo much more to do and see but this hits all the majors for a short visit.

Too long since last post

In the car with the boys and hubby is driving. The sun is beating down only on my right side which will make for a great conversation starter later! I have been dying to write but have had no opportunity to do so. Since I last updated the world we’ve decided to put the house on the market. Which has meant lots of research in order to do it the right way because like everyone else’s home ours is underwater. It is down $40(k) which is a huge hit for us a young professional family. There is a program called HAFA from the government’s program Making Homes Affordable. We know it’s the right choice and are still working out the next steps. Do we rent closer to work or stay with relatives for a little bit? Thanks for reading pictures to follow as well more insight on the next steps!

Realizations

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I know that a key to success is positive energy and creating a good aura but today that was impossible for me. The negative energy around me made that impossible. If you’re wondering why I use envykarma well in all honesty I had a cat named Envy because my favorite color is green and green is not a cool name so thought it through to envy. You guessed it… I also had a cat named Karma. Over time my thought of the words combined are kind of true. I envy other people’s karma or chi. I know that envy is a sin but I can’t help it. The reason I want to write a book someday (actually have it written for me because I can’t write) is because if something can go wrong it does for me. I am the definition of Murphy’s Law. From the beginning of time I have had the world’s worst luck to the point of humor and great drama. I think I may have done something really bad in my past life and it’s catching up with me now.

I am realizing why I have a lot of artist friends and have always fit in with musicians, painters, designers, theater professionals… I have a great respect for them because it is not easy. I am very creative but not in the traditional sense. I can not sing, dance, write, paint… But I get visions and ideas then I run with them. It’s like a writer gets a thought and writes, a musician gets a vision and plays, or a painter dreams something and paints it. I am in color while the people I am surrounded by are in black and white.

Now that I have learned this about myself it’s time to address it. Do I change (conform), stay the same and toughen up, or do I stay me and move on? It’s not easy being different and I find myself embarrassed and hurt because of it. Which is very hard because not only don’t I fit in for the way I think and act but I am also of a different gender and age from those around me.

Today my creativity was matched against red tape, office politics, and hypocrites. Then hammered over and over again to make a point. Fun stuff. Head held high and hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

Thanks for reading

Stay tuned…

 

Sunday Ramble

Normally I love Sundays. They are my favorite day of the week. As a family we hit the park or something else fun after picking up our morning Lg D&D. Which is a must on a daily basis for this mom to function. But today is different. I am exhausted having stayed up late for my alone time because the boys were awful about going to bed. Z woke up at 5 am… And it was dad’s day to sleep in. Tomorrow I have to be up at 4am to make it to Boston for 9am and I am the worlds worst morning person. Well, ok not the worst but pretty bad! Oh and tonight is the season premier of my favorite show… True Blood. To stay up or not to stay up? This week is going to be crazy. I have lots of travel in the tristate area and a test on Thursday. Then have family coming into town for the holiday weekend and that should make for good blogging. Always fun times when Sarah’s in town and she’s bringing Jessie. Oh boy. Stay tuned. Oh and almost forgot… Have a dinner guest coming to have an important chat with me tonight. Intense. Thank goodness hubby let me have a nap!